Saturday, 29 May 2010

Jagged Little Pills

It seems like some luck has come my way at last :D I started feeling pretty bad as of last weekend and I've spent pretty much all of my days in bed feeling like death warmed up, I'd pretty much resigned myself that this was just a matter of time. This feeling of nasty head cold crossed with about 20 cups of coffee is scarily familiar although I never had it this early before. I had my appointment with the marvelous professor who pondered and said "well we know what happens when we do nothing, so lets try something!" So I'm having a bash at taking some Prednisolone steroids to see if it will calm my immune system down and possibly sort things out. A little bit of research this evening has told me that this I just happen to have to only Dr in the whole country that will prescribe these....omg how lucky am I!!!! This is of course only a possibility as we have no idea why I feel ill or if it will work. I took them this morning and it could be a bit of a placebo effect but I feel better! Not so shaky, still a bit headachy but much less "fuzzy headed" than yesterday. The only trouble will be the side effects which are laughably crazy, the lovely effects include, feeling suicidal, mood changes, seeing/hearing things that are not there as well as about a zillion nasty medical side effects. OH is laughing at me saying I'm going to get "roid rage" and go all Hulk. Watch out RAGHH lol!

Wednesday, 26 May 2010

The Waiting Game

Man, this is not easy. I feel like I'm a person waiting to miscarry rather than a pregnant woman. Blegh. I feel shitty already, my heart is racing the whole time and I'm shaky and having mild trippy visual effects already so it honestly does not look so good. I just honestly hope that if this one is not going to make it that it happens sooner rather than later.
I have money put aside this time, not for a cot or a pram or handmade cotton nappies but just in case we need to pay for a funeral if I get that far. Dammit if anything happens this time I want this baby to have it's own grave, with a proper headstone and everything, I really regret not having any money to sort this out for Isabella.

In less miserable news. I've just started a new job as a regional sales manager, self employed and hopefully I'll be starting agency work in a nursing home in the next few weeks. Hmm toileting old ladies and morning sickness may not be the best combination though so we will see how that goes lol! :P As I've got a couple of days off I've decided to paint my bedroom at long last, a lovely shade of duck egg blue. It's taking forever and half the plaster has just fallen off one wall but I'm soooooo pleased to get rid of the peach floral horror wallapaer for good ,hooray! :D

Wednesday, 19 May 2010

Oh.....err well?

Holy Shite! I'm pregnant! How the? What the?

Well I know how *scratches head* but it was waaaay before the danger zone on my goddam cycle chart. Hmmm I sound like a stoopid teenager, "but I didn't know I could get pregnant at like ANY time"

I felt like I needed a nap this afternoon and it struck me that that was odd. I had an couple of pregnancy tests and thought I'd give one a try. I've not even missed a period or anything yet.

So this is bad for the roller derby, dammit I was just getting good! University......I wonder how that is gonna work?

This is the first time I've been pregnant without thinking wow! we're gonna have a baby!! As I know it's actually not very likely that this one will make it for very long, with my jazzy immune system working overdrive, and I won't be able to get on the medication trial now as I've not had the biopsy, gah! However ...I feel totally fine right now, maybe I'll just have some crazy dumb luck and it'll all go smooth. Who knows!

Wednesday, 12 May 2010

A Meeting With The Professor

I had an appointment this morning for the recurrent miscarriage clinic this morning. I was expecting it to be not very helpful but it was actually really great! I saw a professor who went through all my notes and picked up on a few things, I told the whole sorry story from beginning to end and the more I talked the bigger her smile got ....which was ...well, odd.. not normally the reaction you get lol! It just so happens that this professor has seen cases identical to mine before and is doing a 10 year research project on a treatment for it. So she was very very keen to get me signed up for the trial. It's looking for an excess of Natural Killer cells in the womb and the treatment is a steroid that reduces them. The only trouble is that I'd only have a 50% chance of actually having treatment as the other 50% have a placebo... so hmmmm. Better than nothing though I suppose and the research would help put other mothers down the line. I'd also have to have a biopsy done before to see if I do have too many killer cells. There would also be extra special monitoring further down the line which would hopefully catch any problems early enough to give them a chance to deliver. She was very positive that there would be a good outcome.
The trouble is that I'm going to be busy training to be a nurse pretty soon. There is pretty generous maternity leave if I do get pregnant when I'm on the course. My problems is if I get really ill again while I'm still pregnant I think I'll end up failing bits of the course and messing the whole thing up...not good. So hmmmmm....Food for thought indeed. I could wait until after the course has finished but I'll be 36 by then...but that's not that old right? Wow, so many different things to consider. Do I even want to try at all? Maybe nature is giving me a hint that it ain't meant to be? Maybe I'll take the biopsy test thingy and take it from there? Gawd I'm not good with these big decisions, I don't ever do sensible :P

Tuesday, 4 May 2010

Sleepless Nights

I've had a really lovely weekend, getting stuff done around the house and just generally not going anywhere which was a really nice break. All was going so well, then last night I could not sleep, and I just lay there thinking about stuff, which of course led to thinking about bad stuff. How old Isabella would have been, what she would be doing now, all that jazz. The usually babylost momma stuff. Which led to hours of sobbing and curling up in a ball generally feeling sorry for myself. Woe is me blegh, blegh, blegh :(
I was nearly falling alseep in work today I'm hoping I'm not going to have another sleepless night. I think I triggered it so bad by writing a letter to the hospital, after reading that complaints have to be submitted before 6 months has elapsed..times up but still. I wrote it but wether I get around to actually sending it will be another thing altogether. meh!