Lanterns and Love

This weekend one of my best friends invited me and the gang to visit her home town of Calne in Wiltshire. We managed to stay at a nice hotel right in the village with a buy one night get one night free deal, YEH! It was lovely to just get away from everything and I felt really relaxed. We visited the Avebury stone circle on Saturday which was a little windswept, rainy and muddy but was still really interesting. In the evening we went to watch the village lantern parade, but when we got there there were some spare lanterns so we all got to join in. We had these big stars and were right at the front of the parade, we got totally soaked in the rain but it was great fun!

My friends dad is a vicar and we all went to church with them on Sunday, the church was absolutely beautiful, very old and lit with candles and everyone was really friendly. I do appreciate the place of the church in the community but I always find it slightly uncomfortable as a total atheist having to sing along and join in with the prayers. I always feel like a bit of a heathen and worry that someone may ask me a question that I can't reply without being rude or that someone would say something about unmarried mothers, or unchristened children.

Reminds me of this woman, years ago, at work having a big rant about teenage mothers and how they can't raise their children and that they must all be totally thick ect ect. I listened patiently and then told her that actually I had my son at 18 and I didn't think I was doing such a bad job of it, she was totally mortified lol!!

Writing and Deleting

I've just read a beautifully written and insightful post on a blog here I wanted to write something in the comments, but I wrote it and deleted it about 3 times before giving up. But I did write that I had given up! So many times I've wanted to write in the comments of other peoples blogs , just to show solidarity, just to say that I've read and understood what they have said or that I feel the same and that it's ok. More often than not I fail miserably to express what I really want to say and end up deleting the post, before re writing, deleting, re writing and in the end giving up. Anyone else ever done this? I wish I'd not given up as I some of the comments on my blog have really given me a boost when I've been really down (thank you SO much you lovely people!!!!) and just knowing I'm not alone, it means alot.

I really would like to brush up my skills and I suppose writing a blog is good practice, before this I've only ever written in the context of essays and the odd business thing and I never was any good at writing those things either lol! My spelling is appalling too (I had to just google the spelling then, oh the irony!) I wonder if there are any helpful websites out there? Or maybe an online course? **trots off to search google**

Crashing and Burning

Just when I thought I was doing so well. I had a nice relaxing day booked off, the first one is ages as I was going along to my daughters school today. They had set up a really cute pizza restaurant, the kids had designed it all from the start, decided on the menu, made the food and even made a tv advert, very good for 7 year olds really. We all had to wait in the corridor before going in. There was the usual crowd of mums and as usual they all ignored me. One had the tiniest little newborn and another was pregnant and they were having the usual chat about babies and pregnancy and such. I moved away as I started feeling a little tearful and stood on the other end of the room. The pregnant lady was saying how she was 23 weeks, which is how far gone I was when I lost Isabella, and how she'd been buying clothes and bits and pieces bla bla. I almost wanted to run up to her and yell that she shouldn't be doing that and how she shouldn't take it for granted, everything started running through my head on fast forward. Instead I suddenly burst into tears and had to fight my way through the entire class of mums and dads, sobbing all the way and apologising. I must have looked like a right nutter, I'm even less likely to make friends with the yummy mummy lot now.... great...(not that it's such a big loss I suppose lol!)

Luckily one of the mums had just arrived who does speak to me and knew about Bella (she also lost a baby) stood outside and gave me a hug and calmed me down. Luckily I managed to pull myself together and go into school with a big fake smile on my face, but it was a very close call.

I've spent the rest of the day with the now familiar "on the verge of tears" feeling that I thought I'd left behind. *sigh*

Just A Quick Update

We didn't end up going to the Bodies Exhibition after all, as I looked at the website and we realised that it was the exact same one we saw in London. DS decided to stay at a friends house for the weekend so he wasn't going to come and we figured we could do without spending the ticket money. I would have loved to have gone, but hey. So we went into Birmingham anyway and spent some Debenhams vouchers we had for our engagement and did a bit of Christmas shopping. DD was in Wales with her Dad, so we had the whole day to ourselves. It was really lovely having a day with just me and OH and I actually got the warm fuzzies, for the first time in a very long time :D

We also bought some stunning teal silk cushions cheap from TKmax, which seemed like a good idea at the time but before I'd got them back home I realised that 2 boisterous mucky children + posh silk cushions = trouble lol!

The Bodies Exhibition

We're going to visit the Bodies Exhibition in Birmingham tomorrow. I've seen in before when it was in London and it was fascinating and I actually learnt quite a bit (which I was impressed with as I see myself as a bit of a biology buff)

There is a section as I remember it, about the beginnings of life, it shows fetuses from conception right through to full term. I was having a miscarriage (at 6 weeks) when I last saw this exhibit and still found it really interesting and not upsetting. I wonder how I will feel this time seeing it?

We are going to visit some friends tonight who we haven't seen in a while, OH arranged it and only after told me they have just had a new baby, a little girl. It still bites a little (ok a lot) seeing other peoples new babies and I'm a little nervous of going there. What will I do if I get really upset? I don't want to spoil the evening. I was going to get a present from Mothercare for them this morning but looking through the clothes I was looking through not long ago for Bella got to me a bit. There was a really cute little corduroy dress with applique that I'd liked so much. I'd picked out a few things from there for Bella after we had the 20 week scan. I got as far as the till and then had a "funny feeling" that I shouldn't be buying them and put them all back. I wonder thinking back if somehow I knew something wasn't right? Anyway, I didn't want their baby wearing "Bellas clothes" and now I don't have time to get to any other baby shop so will probably have to go back after work and get at least something so we don't turn up empty handed *grumbles*

Hats!

I've been trying to find someone who sells mini tops hats wholesale at a reasonable price for my shop, I've been searching for months and not come across anyone. So I've decided I'm going to have to make some myself, not that I have a clue how to do it but hey :P

I've been browsing for some inspiration and came across the most stunning hat ever!! I love love love it! I adore steampunk style and I would love to have an excuse to wear this sort of thing. It's available from Gypsy Lady Hats on the Etsy website, home of many stunning handmade goodies.

DD's Birthday Party Planning

It's DD's 7th Birthday this Sunday. She's decided on a cooking party, which I've changed to a cupcake and cookie decorating party as there are now too many kids coming for hot ovens and baking trays to be safe. We tagged along with my Mum last weekend to the International Cake show in the NEC and saw some incredible stuff, less cake decoration and more like edible art. I've been looking for some inspiration for something a little more suitable for 7 year olds. Firstly I've been browsing Epicute which is a blog about cute food and nothing else! YEY!

These are the best I've found so far...OMG OMG packman and super mario cupcakes *joy*..I'm easily pleased *claps hands* :D

From Frustrated Fairy

From Frustrated Fairy

From Frustrated Fairy

From Frustrated Fairy

From Frustrated Fairy

On The Happy Pills :D

So I've been feeling not like myself at all lately, I took St Johns Wort many moons ago when I was going through a very very bad time and it had helped then. So whilst grumbling at the extortionate prices in Boots I invested in a pack. It has actually seemed to help, I feel a little less horribly numb.

The engagement party was actually quite nice in the end for all my bitching about it. Littlemissperfect's baby looked very overfed in the way so many bottlefed babies do and spent most of the evening screaming. I hate to be smug about breastfeeding (oh.. ok I don't) but I never had any of my babies scream like that for hours, so meh! All the babies and pregnant people didn't actually bother me half as much as I thought they would. Even the cousin showing off his shiny new Range Rover didn't bother me...I felt sorry for him and his car fuel bills, those things drink lol!

It was also cool because my Mum and Lil brother came all the way from Wales to be there, and even my evil stepfather was quite entertaining and did a nice little speech and a toast for me. Mum made me THE MOST AWESOME CAKE!! It did have the letters of our names on the top but they got broke in the car, bah! Top tier was sponge and the bottom fruit, I did have good intentions of keeping the bottom half for Christmas but I've given in already. Dammit she's so talented, when I grow up I want to be just like my Mum.

This cheered me up...it tasted as good as it looked too nom nom nom :D

From 2009

From 2009

I Don't Want To Go To My Own Party

My engagement party is this Saturday, arranged by my lovely mother-in-law. It's wonderful and she's gone to lots of effort inviting people and is going to be making all the food and everything. My mum is coming up from Wales and bringing one of her wonderful cakes for us. I should be looking forward to this. However this is going to be the first time alot of the family will have seen me since I lost Bella, so there will be lots of "I'm so sorry" type things which always upsets me. There will be OH's cousins wife, who's baby is due the same time Bella was due and I just know that seeing her is going to be like a stab in the heart, I hate even hearing all her happy preggers Facebook posts.

There is also OH's other cousin who has just had a new baby. She's the girl I love to hate. She's "the most popular girl in school type" she's skinny, attractive, has a great job, perfect "show home" house, perfect husband, is always lucky and is always wonderfully pleasant and nice. I've always been the fat one, the looser, the dropout, the weirdo, with the worst shitty luck in history who always does everything the wrong way and fucks everything royally up. I can't help but hate her and her smug perfect little life where nothing bad ever happens.

I wish I'd never had to get over child abuse, I wish I'd never had to get over teenage pregnancy and a horrific violent birth experience, I wish I'd never had to get over domestic violence, I wish I'd never had to get over loosing everything I owned in a stupid divorce, but most of all I wish I wasn't a dead baby momma, which I can't ever even begin to get over.

Anyway ...I'm not looking forward to the stupid party.

Phones and Forgiveness

I've just finished watching the film Paranormal Activity, which Dave has spent the last two days bugging me to watch when I really didn't want to. It was actually pretty good and very creepy but has not made me totally creeped out.

I've invested in a shiny new phone, a HTC tattoo. I've always had an old scruffy phone as I'm forever loosing them or having it with no batteries or not having any credit on it bla bla. This means that no one ever calls me! I've always been pretty good with my ipod though so I figured if I get get a phone with an MP3 player on it I might actually use it and *shock horror* I might actually be contactable. So Dave helped me choose a load of my favourite songs for it and loaded them all onto it. Whilst we were in the middle of this DD kept bugging us about coming to a meeting with her, we were all like "can't you see we are busy honey" and kept shooing her away. She came and stuck badges on us with our names on and with designs stamped on. Here's mine.

From 2009

When I put her to bed I realised that she'd done loads of signs around the house guiding people the way. All made in the shape of a castle.

From 2009

On her bedroom door there was a hanging sign on string with open on one side and closed on the other. A sign saying bajees (badges) and a pencil case filled with badges she'd made stuck to the door too. I feel so guilty not paying any attention to her after she'd gone to all this trouble!! She's so creative and clever and so utterly cute! I'm going to find time tomorrow to play "meetings" with her and we are going to pick up supplies for card making. I totally forgot my Mums birthday and so we are going to make her a really nice card. I'm so wrapped up in myself and my grief lately I've forgotten about all the wonderful people around me, really need to give myself a kick up the backside!

From 2009

Halloween

I have had the most exhausting week in the shop, Halloween is out busiest time of year and with the Rocky Horror show in town loads more people than usual want to look fab in a corset. We also had our yearly Halloween house party (which I'm sure the neighbours just love heheh) I was going to go all out on the decorations this year but being skint and miserable meant than none of my grand plans were realised but I did manage to make some cool pirate themed bottles and dug all the stuff out from last year to put up. I also made a giant cuddly spider, who lived in the shop in a big web, we named him boris and I think he is really quite cute :)

From 2009

From 2009

From 2009

From 2009

From 2009