Thursday, 29 October 2009

Numbness

I feel odd at the moment, I feel very numb emotionally. Everything is irritating me, little things are pissing me off that usually wouldn't bother me. I'm doing a great show of acting normally and functioning well, but I'm somehow struggling with just everything. I'm not excited about nice things that are coming up. We are having the usual huge halloween house party, I'm usually really looking forward to this but it just seems like a whole load of effort this year.

The shop is doing fantastically well at the moment in the run up to halloween, which is great. Although shitty Royal Mail strikes are a real pain in the ass and are really hitting the internet side of things as I can't get stuff posted out in time. I'm expecting lots of emails from angry customers who's stuff arrives some time next week post halloween *sigh* I've made an effort to wear fancy dress into work every day this week in an attempt to be my old happy go lucky self. Wearing furry boot covers, a purple wig and cat ears and looking generally like a total idiot is enough to cheer me up. It didn't really work but at least I got lots of compliments on my corset. For someone who sells corsets for a living I really don't wear them enough!

Monday, 26 October 2009

Postmortem Results

We finally got the results from Isabella's post mortem and all of my tests. They found absolutely nothing, nothing wrong with baby or placenta or anything else. All my blood tests came back totally clear too. The Dr was actually quite nice and actually listened to my concerns about how poorly I felt in the pregnancy and how I'd felt there was something not right. She asked a load of questions and sent me for some more blood tests just in case but she was honest and told me they probably wouldn't find anything. She advised that research shows better outcomes for parents waiting a year before conceiving. I don't know whether to feel pleased that at least they've not found anything that rules out us trying again, or whether to feel even more nervous about it as they've no idea what caused it. I'm going to wait at least the year before we think about it. I wonder if I will feel like it's too risky?

Friday, 16 October 2009

Oh Joy...




So I still have the um...jippy tummy.....the squits.... the runs....whatever. 7 long days of it now, complete with cramps from hell and I have really truly had enough. I sheepishly rang NHS direct who inform me I need to visit my GP. Now the chance of me being any more than 10 feet away from a toilet in order to attend local surgery......well lets just say it's not an option. So even more sheepishly I ring the GP and explain my predicament, she says she will get someone to ring me. So GP rings back and says that in order to check what it is I will need to do a "sample".....um say WHAT! OMG!! EWWWWW!!! Even worse I have to get the mother-in-law to be to collect and return, oh the humiliation. Just to make it extra specially nasty, the bag that said sample bottle has to be sent back in, totally transparent, I mean just good lord NO!!! Well at least the NHS have a sense of humor eh!

So now I'm truly truly disturbed by what happened and am refusing to say another word about it....and I still don't know what is wrong with me as it's going to take till Monday to get the results, meh!

All I can say is that I'd better have lost some weight by the end of all this!

Thursday, 15 October 2009

Wave Of Light

October the 15th is Pregnancy and Infant loss Awareness Day and I thought I'd light a candle not just for Bella but for all the babies lost around the world. Not that I need to light a candle to remember her but it seems like a nice thing to to do anyway. Here's a link with more info

From 2009


This was a lovely idea but it didn't quite go to plan, as said candle was a highly fragranced yankee candle. This triggered a touch of asthma. Now I've been ill (ALL WEEK!!!) with the worst case of the runs I've ever had. Anyway coughing + explosive diarrhoea = potential comedy situation I will never live down. So I decided to lay off the candle thing after a bit *sulks*

Monday, 12 October 2009

Death To The Floral Wallpaper Form Hell!!

We moved into our little house in June this year, which came complete with the previous owners taste in all things floral. The living room is particularly horrific, with pink stripy wallpaper (carefully selected to clash with the burgandy carpet) under the dado rail and nasty floral above, complemented by floral curtains which match nothing else, blergh!!

From Blogger Pictures


From Blogger Pictures
We were going to wait until we had enough money to do the whole room out, replaster, new fire, new carpet, the whole shebang. But with the prospect of actually affording this looking ever further in the future I decided I could stand it not longer and something had to be done. So I popped to good ole B&Q and got some one coat magnolia and a bit of wallpaper. Much grumbling from OH ensued, as working on a Sunday is really not his thing, especially as I'd decided on doing this and had gone and got the stuff before he was even up out of bed :P We worked all day and I'm pretty pleased with it, although everything else looks really shabby now lol!



From Blogger Pictures

Friday, 9 October 2009

Who Ate All The Pies?

...it appears it was me!
I was going through a few of the photos from the Ireland weekend and there was hideous one where I was bending over...and OMG my ass has got fat!!! I also found that all my smart clothes were two sizes too small and I had to go buy a new outfit for the funeral in a size 18. I'm currently 12st 7lbs, which is pretty damn big for someone who is 5"2 I really need to do something about it instead of just moaning about being it! My knees hurt, my back hurts and I look...well ....fat. I don't want to go on some crazy diet just yet but rather get myself back into the old eat less and exercise more routine. I would join a slimming club but I don't think the budget is going to stretch to that. We've not set a date for the wedding but there is no way I want to be a tubby bride. I need motivation but to be honest at the moment I just want to sit around comfort eating and reading crap on the internet. I'm going to cut myself some slack for the rest of this week but next week no excuses, as eating myself into an early grave is not going to help.

I also had a date today for an appointment with the consultant for the results of Isabella's post mortem and to discuss a plan for a future pregnancy if that's what we want. It's so crazy to even think about it now, I was so so sick with the last two pregnancies I'd probably be the same again and not be able to work and we have no money as is, no room in the house and there would be a high likelyhood of it going wrong again. It seems so unfair, if Isabella had lived we would have just got on with things and dealt with it, but now it would be irresponsible to try for another baby. OH is really not keen on seeing me go through everything again either. But despite everything I'd still really love to be pregnant again some day in the future *sigh* Maybe our luck will change and everything will sort itself out, OH found a tenner on the floor today so maybe it's the start :D


Thursday, 8 October 2009

Isabella's Funeral



Isabella's funeral was this morning. The sun was shining and the cemetery was beautiful. Her coffin was beautiful, white and gold with a nameplate with her name and date of birth engraved onto it. We had a humanist ceremony and the words that were said were beautiful. OH read a poem he had written for Isabella when she was born, I'd not read it before the funeral as I got too upset to look at it, so it was lovely to hear it for the first time. It was so so sad but I was so pleased that she got to have a proper burial and a proper ceremony, it felt right.
She is buried in a hospital plot, I felt a bit upset that we couldn't afford a proper grave for her but it was actually quite nice. She will have a headstone with the names of all of the 12 babies buried in the plot. I was told this takes a while, maybe 2 years, it makes me sad to think of all the other babies that will die in the future that will share this place with her.
I made a flower basket with some roses and some lavender from the garden. I made two little tags, one with her name on and another with "forever loved". This was my first bash at flower arranging but I don't think I did too badly (with a little help from Youtube) At the end of the ceremony we let off a pink sky lantern, which nearly crashed into a tree and I had visions of us setting the cemetery on fire or something...but just as I was beginning to imagine the next days headlines it lifted off and away. We lit the other 5 in the evening with the kids and they loved them. My littlest asked if we were sending them to Isabella in heaven, which I thought was so sweet.


Tuesday, 6 October 2009

What To Do With My Life In Limbo???

I feel like I'm in limbo... I'm totally confused as to what to do and where to go next?? I had everything planned out really nicely before we lost Isabella, and now everything has gone thoroughly to shite!

Part 1. The Now. I have until 30th November to work out what to do with my business. I can A. keep it and deal with being poor but happy B. Close the shop and run it online only C. Sell the business..this would be lovely but is tricky to actually do!

Part 2. The Later. Most of the options above involve me *shock horror* getting a real job. As these are pretty thin on the ground at the moment and as being self employed means it's tricky to get a reference. This in all honesty probably involves scrubbing toilets or wiping old people's butts....nice!

Part 3. The Long Term. I really want to train as a midwife. Do I A. be patient, go back to college around working and wait until 2011. B. Do a nursing diploma instead and top it up after to a midwifery afterwards?

Part 4. A Baby! I'd like to try again at some point before I get too ancient, how the hell do I fit this in around everything else.

.........Actually I feel better already having boiled this all down to nice multiple choice questions, wow thank you blog land :D


Monday, 5 October 2009

Secret Garden Meeting September

What has helped you through out this new life the most. Is it your family? your faith? Support groups? A ritual? Music? Physical activity? A new interest? It could be anything. Tell us about how whatever it is has helped you. Please feel free to share photo's,videos, websites, support group information and so on.

My partner Dave has been the most help of all, he's walked this path with me holding my hand all the way through. Poor man has been covered is snot and tears so many more times than I can remember. Having the other kids around has helped in that I can't sit around moping as there is always stuff to do and someone who needs my attention.

Making things and doing practical things for Bella has been helpful too, I ordered a specially made necklace, designing and sewing her burial pouch, designing her funeral flowers. I would have made her so many lovely things and I was glad to at least be able to make her a few things. I made her a web page which I think helped alot too, I love "visiting" her there http://isabella-hodrien.gonetoosoon.org/memorial/

Music has been a huge help, especially when it all gets too much and especially when I am angry and overwhelmed. I'm sure my taste in music is not for everyone but I've always loved metal and it really is therapy now to just freak out and let it all out to these tracks.

(From Lamb Of God - Walk With Me In Hell)

Take hold of my hand
For you are no longer alone
Walk with me in hell

Pray for solace
Pray for resolve
Pray for a savior
Pray for deliverance
Some kind of purpose, a glimpse of a light in this void of existence




(From Korn Hold On)

Hold on, be strong
So right, so wrong
With all of our senses
All of our defences
Hold on, be strong

New arrival, our survival
still not certain
What's a virtue, where do you go to
when you're hurting?




Random Bad Luck Strikes Again

OK, so after a fantastic weekend I should have expected the worst. I was wondering where my course materials were for my open university course were, a I was sure it was meant to start in October. So I decide to give them a quick call just to check where they were. I should have expected the response, " oh you don't appear to be registered for that course"....ok what??? I'd registered for said course since early August, forms had been sent back, all agreements signed and sealed. " oh it seems we left a message on your answer phone and as you didn't respond you haven't been fully registered" Ok I say, but it's not too late to register now yeh? ....yeh? Alas, no it seems that the course is now full and they can only register me for the February start date. Which finishes in October 2010...meaning I wont have it before September. September being the month which I was hoping to start Uni, the Uni which I now can't get into as I'll not have finished the OU course. FFS!!!!!!!!!!!! So now it's going to be a full two years before I can even think about starting the course *sigh*
After thinking about it a while maybe it's no bad thing, maybe it will give me more time to get my head around everything, maybe it's all for the best and all that. The only trouble now is what to do with the shop. It's not making enough money to justify me staying but it's a wonderful wonderful shop that I have put so so much love and hard work into that it is going to be very difficult to leave it behind. But realistically I'm going to have to get rid of it and *shock horror* get a real job again. This real job is probably going to involve scrubbing toilets or wiping old ladies behinds knowing my luck :( My lease is up on the 31st October so I need to have made a decision by then wether to give it up or stay for another 6 months in the hope things will pick up...man this is all too much.

I'm Getting Married :D


We had a lovely weekend in Ireland and OH's lecture went really well. At the end he called me up onstage saying he wanted my opinion on a some new footage that had just come in. He played the video and after a few seconds of footage it changed to a giant "Will You Marry Me" lol! Luckily I said yes!
He'd got the most beautiful ring made for me, specially commissioned and I love it, it even fits!

Thursday, 1 October 2009

Laptop Broken :(

*sigh* just to add to my run of extraordinary bad luck, my laptop's hard drive has just totally died...perfect, just perfect. Oh and I didnt back up all the business data that is on there as I've been kinda preoccupied lately, so that's just great too. We're also totally and utterly broke which just makes life even more fun. The rent on the shop is due today and I can't pay it, eeek!!
I'm off to Ireland tomorrow, with no kids YEY! OH is speaking at a conference over there and his parents decided that it would be nice for me to go too, so they have bought me a flight and even given us some spending money!! Mind you with the kind of luck we've been having lately ..will the plane crash, will we actually find the place we are meant to be going to, will the shop burn down in my absense, will we make back in one piece...we shall see lol!!