I dont need to say much just OMG!! I want this for my wedding cake lol!!!!
Monday, 28 September 2009
So yesterday I'm totally full of cold and have a chest infection which triggers off my asthma...grrr! Nipped down to the out of hours doctors place at the hospital as the asthma was getting reeealy bad. I was gobsmacked, no waiting they just took me straight in and gave me the nebuliser, total utter bliss, damn oxygen is gooooood!!! Also got a nice doctor who prescribed some penicillin to get rid of the chest infection, saving me having to wait the rest of the week trying to get a gp appointment, why isnt it always like this, I'm having some luck for once!
Went to bed without OH who was happily playing WOW downstairs. I could'nt sleep for snot and coughing, so I start thinking about things. Having a good old wallow in my misery and how unfair it all is. I curl up in a ball and cry and then I can't stop myself, I sob and sob like a child, it's like nothing I've ever experienced before, this pain is just overwhelming. It's like a biological call, an instinct, that slips in when your off guard, telling you you should be with your baby right now, questioning as to why you have empty arms.
I cry for a few hours before OH nips in to see if I'm ok, which by this point I'm most definitely not, I'd pretty much got hysterical. So he holds me tight and manages to calm me down after a while, he starts talking about silly shit, like he does and manages to make me actually laugh, with his awesome impression of bad x factor contestants. I wonder if I'd get through this at all without him. Anyway I thought I'd share some of the moments that managed to cheer me up :D
Sunday, 27 September 2009
Do you know what, only a few weeks ago I was worrying about how I would get my home birth as the midwives didnt seem too keen. I worried wether to call a stupid midwife at all. I worried about birth pool water temperature and which birth pool to buy. I worried that labour would be painful, I worried that things wouldn't go the way I wanted it. I worried about how we would afford this baby, where we would put the baby, how I would get time off work. I worried about which cotton nappies and slings to buy and how to deal with going back to sleepless night. Such innocence, how arrogant I was, my total foolish assumption that I would certainly be having a baby and that clearly I was better at this than everyone else...pride before the fall, counting chickens, aim high what's the worst that could happen? indeed ho ho!
I remember only a few weeks before coming across a blog http://lazyseamstress.blogspot.com/ a wonderful blog from someone who I remembered from waaaaay back when my 2nd was born, she made lovely cotton nappies and I put a link from my website to hers. Her full term baby had unexpectedly passed away, I was shocked and actually cried, it was just so sad. But it never crossed my mind for one second, not for a fleeting moment even, that I would not be having my baby either.
Funny how things change. I would'nt care where or how, stick drips and drugs in me please, slice me without anesthetic again, stich me with no pain relief again, induce me, c-section me, leave me without food or water for 36 hours again, be a complete bitch to me, I can take it, I really don't give a fuck anymore, just let my baby be ok.......
*sigh* I suppose this is the bargaining grief stage then?
Wednesday, 23 September 2009
If you created a bedroom for your baby tell us what it was like.
We didn't have a bedroom as Isabella was going to share with us, for the first year as least. We'd not got a bedroom for her as our house is too small and we used to joke that she would be sleeping in the bottom drawer! I was going to "sidecar" a cot to our bed so we could all sleep together without OH worrying about squishing her in the night. I'd cleared out some of my drawers for her things and had bought too much to fit in them. So bits and pieces ended up in bags and boxes on the bedroom floor. I was going have the Light of the Moon range of bedding from Mamas and Papas. I was so worried with this pregnancy after the miscarriage that I didn't really have that much stuff set up, I'd literally just started shopping and getting excited after the 20 week scan showed everything was ok. I Felt very stupid for having started to count my chickens.
Did you have it ready for them before they were born?
We didn't have it all ready but I'd bought lots of beautiful pink, lilac and yellow Fuzzi Bunz cotton nappies, wipes, changing bags, bits and pieces of clothes and slings. We were waiting on the second hand cot which a friend was giving us.
If so how did you cope coming home to it without your baby?
I really didn't want to go home to it, I was so very angry and felt like it was so unfair, but in the end by the time I got home I was so tired I couldn't even worry about it any more and just crashed straight into my bed and slept.
Did you pack it all away?
Whilst I was in the hospital my mother in law came and took all the baby things away. I asked her not to but was glad to find my room was not full of Isabella's things. There was one drawer of things that she didn't know was there and now and then I've not had the heart to pack away those things just yet.
What is your baby's room now?
Still our same old bedroom but it seems so empty without all her things now.
If you are trying to conceive again, or are pregnant again how do you feel about setting up another room before your baby is born?
I would so love to try again for another baby but we are going to have to wait until we get some answers as to why we keep losing babies (we had two miscarriages before Isabella) If we are lucky enough to get pregnant again I don't think I would have the heart to plan anything until I have a healthy babe in arms.
I decided to make this for Bella to be buried in. I was very grateful for the tiny clothes and pouch we had in the hospital but I really wanted her to have something special that I made. It's made from ivory dupion silk and is like a little sleeping bag. I will sort out putting the pattern for this on my blog as it took me three attempts to get this right as all the patterns I could find were for crocheted or frilly lace numbers, not my sort of thing at all. This isn't a very good shot as I took this as it was getting dark, but it looks very elegant yet simple, I'm really pleased with it.
I ordered this necklace just after we lost Bella, from the USA. It arrived today and I'm so pleased with it!! It's handmade recycled silver with Bella's name and date of birth stamped into it. I bought this from a shop on Etsy http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5853825
Tuesday, 22 September 2009
I cried on the way to work today, on the train with the woman opposite me staring over the top of her Metro newspaper..I felt like a fool and I wanted to shout out that my baby had died only two weeks ago. Instead I gave myself a stern pull your self together speech and concentrated on what I was going to buy for lunch. Walked around M&S like a zombie, everything seemed strange, like a dream world. Only two weeks ago I was buying my lunch in here with Isabella safely tucked in my belly, only two weeks ago everything was different.
Had to deal with a "smelly guy" who is lovely and means well but stinks to high heaven, he has been "popping in for a chat" ever since I first opened my shop, normally I would be very patient and at least pretend to be interested but today I felt like telling him to F*** right off. Instead I made my excuses by saying I needed the loo, thought this would get rid of him but lo and behold he came back after 10 mins with some more questions and drivel. I have the patience of a saint.
Came home and danced with my hulahoop in the back garden....the neighbours must think I've totally lost it. I'm determined to lose this extra weight and get into shape though so needs must! Shame I spoiled it by eating the rest of yesterdays cheesecake..oh well one step at a time.
One day I will hoop as good as this :-
Sunday, 6 September 2009
I arrived at the hospital at 9.30 as I'd been told to do, carrying a sick bucket as I was still throwing up. I'd hoped that we'd be on the bereavment ward but as soon as I arrived I heard crying babies, I went to pieces...so hard knowing my baby was going to be born and knowing was never going to hear that sound. We were ushered into a little side room and told to wait. At least we had our own private toilet, which with having the runs and throwing up was pretty handy. At about 1 o'clock a nurse arrived to give a pessary, (which begged the question of why we had to arrive at 9.30am). I was getting a bit stressed with all the waiting and OH decided to read to me which was lovely, he has a really calming voice and the book was pretty interesting so it kept me from going out of my mind. I had to have two more tablets, (thankfully orally!) every 4 hours and by mid afternoon I got to have some morphine, which was crazy as I could barely get up to go to the loo, felt like I'd had waaay to much to drink. A few more rounds of tablets and the morphine had worn off and I got to have some gas and air. I was actually shocked that it really was as bad as a full term labour. OH gave up reading to me and played me some metal through our little MP3 player. It struck me at how awesome he is at times like these and how calm he keeps me, I just wished we'd been doing this some months later and waiting for a healthy newborn.
Isabella made her arrival at about 9.40pm, tiny but perfect. I'd been terrified at how she might look as she'd died some days before. She was very red as all babies at this age are and her skin was slightly starting to peel but she was still lovely. We wrapped her up in the little red and white blanket I'd bought a few weeks before and marvelled at how perfect her little feet and hand were.
My placenta didnt come away for a while and I ended up getting a shot of sytometrine, after which the midwife disappeared and never came back. Great!.....luckily I didnt bleed to death but delivered the placenta on my own which was sort of odd.
At about midnight another midwife came and brought some tiny clothes and a little hat for Isabella. She bathed her and dressed her and took her foot and hand prints. She brought a little keepsake box with a card to put the footprints in, two teddy bears and a blanket. We fell asleep with her in the crib beside us, looking for all the world like she was just sleeping.
Friday, 4 September 2009
Yesterday I did'nt think I felt Isabella move, I'd been really busy so I hoped maybe I just didnt notice. I looked up on google and there were loads of people saying that they hadn't felt their babies move and that it wasn't reliable before 26 weeks anyway and I felt a little reassured. This morning I had a hot drink and lay down in bed to see if I could get her to move, but nothing. I knew something was very very wrong. My belly was smaller and I could feel her outline with her head above my bellybutton far too clearly. I pushed her head and literally tried to shake her to see if I could get any kind of reaction. But there was nothing. I sobbed for an hour before I could pull myself together enough to ring the hospital.
I drove myself to the hospital without ringing anyone, my best friend called me in the car and I told her I'd be a bit late to meet her as I was just going to get checked out at the hospital. I'm probably being paranoid I told her and that I would see her in a little while. I was praying that I was wrong and paranoid and that I going to feel really stupid when there is nothing wrong. I arrived and they took me onto the labour ward, I could hear women in labour in the neighbouring rooms. The midwife asked me a few questions and got the doppler to check me, the silence was deafning. A week ago I'd had the doppler and they'd taken an age to find her heartbeat so I was still praying that there was some kind of mistake. Then they called the Dr who dragged a portable scanner in, he was very rough and jabbed me painfully with scanner. As soon as I saw the screen I knew my worst fears were confirmed, I could see there was no heartbeat. The Dr almost seemed angry with me. They sent me straight in for a scan with the hi tech main scanner as well, I'd only been in there 3 weeks before when everything was fine. They hit the button where they highlight the colours which is the heart pumping blood and it was all totally still. The tech said "I'm sorry but your baby has passed away" After that it was all a bit of a blur, I needed to call OH but his phone was switched off. I kept pressing buttons on my phone but I could barely see through the tears. I called his parents and they said they would try and call his work but the security wouldn't let his Dad have any information. His Dad came to the hospital and talked total bollocks to me about everyday stuff and I just sat there blankly. The student midwife took my husbands number and kept trying it. Eventually it was on and he picked up said he was on his way straight away. Some stuff was said about induction and that I would need to take a tablet then come back on Sunday. First that I would be coming back here on a special separate ward and then that I would have to go to heartlands as some other lucky lady was booked in there already. A student midwife made me toast and tea, which I could barely eat for shaking so much with shock. When OH finally arrived we just held each other and sobbed. Then we had to leave ..just go home..with a dead child inside me ..I couldn't fathom it. The student midwife had tears in her eyes as she let us out of the maternity unit.