Thursday, 31 December 2009

A Letter Arrives

I've just had a letter from the hospital saying that in one of the blood tests back in October found I had raised Anti Thrombin III which can cause sticky blood. I've got to go for a re test just to double check. I've had a quick google search for it and can't find very much about it. However I have come across Hughes Syndrome, or Sticky Blood syndrome, maybe it's the same thing? I read all the symptoms and was like, FUCK! Flashing lights, confusion, fatigue, Giddiness, recurrent miscarriage/stillbirth. tick, tick, tick, tick. You know what the treatment is ......an asprin. Thats it. One tiny baby asprin every day.

I read it and then cried my eyes out.

An asprin could have saved Bella... it was totally preventable... God I feel sick.


Happy New Year, Goodbye 2009


Wow, I'm looking forward to getting this year over with! It's not all been bad but wow 2009 has really sucked.

I've had a great Christmas and got lots of lovely prezzies! I'm very pleased with my new set of furry slippers, I'm always freezing cold and I adore snuggly warm things :D Both the kids are with their grandparents for a week, the peace and quiet (and clean and tidy house) is actually quite nice. We went out to see Sherlock Holmes last night which was way better than I expected it to be, it's so cool to just go out...like just leave the house..without having to plan the military operation that is organising babysitting and making sure everyone has eaten something before we go anywhere.

Bella would have been due tomorrow, I'm trying not to dwell too much on the should have beens. I feel slightly guilty that I've never visited Bella's grave but I can't quite bring myself to go. She's in an unmarked plot with all the other babies, I really wish I could have afforded a proper plot and a headstone. Maybe I'll go tomorow, maybe it will be too much, I don't know.

I feel a little bit strange at the moment, I can't put my finger what makes me think it, but I've got the slight inkling I might be pregnant. This would be a bit of a disaster as it'll mean I'll be puking everywhere and feeling like shite for the wedding, great. I wouldn't mind if there was a possibility I'd actually have a baby at the end of it but having lost the last 3 I'm really not too hopeful for that, it's probably going to be months of feeling terrible with the inevitable hospital trip at the end....great. Anyway, it's probably just paranoia and my period isn't even due until the 8th of January. I've not got any symptoms or anything so I'm probably just getting worked up over nothing. We really should be a little more careful in all honesty. My silly husband-to-be does the whole "sleep sex" thing now and again and it was really bad timing. I was just thinking that it sounds like something off the front of one of those cheap trashy magazines "My Husband Got Me Pregnant In His Sleep!!" when lo and behold it actually WAS on the cover of one of the trashy magazines in Tesco which made me crack up lol!

Wednesday, 23 December 2009

Christmas and Chiropractic

Merry Christmas everyone!

I was expecting to feel really shit right now, Bellas due date is coming up on the 1st Jan, shop is not doing too well, doing xmas dinner for the first time, trying to find cash for a crazy wedding in the desert somewhere, stress, stress, stress ect! And you know what.....I feel ok...I'm actually almost feeling festive.
My best friends gave us the most wonderful Christmas presents, a hamper they made for us, stunningly wrapped, plus loads of lovely goodies and two presents each for the kids. They got me this really cool polka dot monster thing with button eyes that attaches to your phone. My phone is a slippery little thing that I keep dropping and I really wanted a big something to attach to it, I can even find it in my handbag now, I couldn't have gotten a better prezzie! They made such a big effort and I felt kind of bad that we only bought them one present back, even if it was a really cool present. Anyways I'm really appreciating how awesome it is having such wonderful amazing friends :D
I've also been going to the Chiropractor, twice a week for the last five weeks, because my back was in a state after being pregnant. As well as my back pain having nearly totally gone, I think it's really helped me feel 100 times better. The chiropractor was going on about energy and the spine and how my scan looked very flat and tired when I first went. I wasn't interested at the time I just wanted to get out of the constant back pain, but wow it's really worked. Anyway, I feel so much better, not quite the old me but almost human again, I've not needed to take my St John's wort for two weeks and generally have more energy and enthusiasm for life again. The only trouble was that I had a sudden sort of wake up about my myself, I was like..oh...hello me in the mirror... what the hell am I wearing? what's with my hair?.....OMG I COMBED OUT MY DREADS WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING! I suddenly really miss them, and I think at the very least I'm going to make a set of extensions that I can take out for the Uni Interview hopefully after xmas!
I also bought my first wedding thing...these lovely blue shoes, for £15 in the sale in Brantano!! I'm gonna decorate them up a bit with peacock feathers but they are a pretty awesome colour :D

Sunday, 20 December 2009

Some Wedding Dress Ideas





I'm figuring that floor length dresses in the desert are probably out...can you imagine how grubby it would get! So I'm thinking maybe a cute 50s style dress, made with my blue silk corset with a fab swing skirt, mega pooft petticoat, a little bolero jacket and a big bow on there somewhere! I was quite inspired by the dress the lovely Jeanette made for her best friend, and wow I love her shoes, I want those but in blue!! (Hope you don't mind me pinching the piccy!)
The idea of going quite retro appeals to me, I'm thinking of making the invites look like a dodgy 50's B movie poster :D

Wedding Plans

We've gone crazy! We've decided to sod the idea of a "proper" wedding and get married at Area 51, yes THE Area 51, in the Nevada desert, in America, in 8 weeks time lol!
The whole wedding thing was getting to be a bit of a pain. Even doing it in the cheapest way possible in a village hall with a weekend in a dodgy hotel for a honeymoon was still going to cost a few thousand pounds once I added everything up. Ours was going to look a bit rubbish and cheap compared to other recent family weddings and the comparisons were going to annoy me. I could picture the "well, it's not like A's wedding is it" "when A got married bla bla bla" I spotted the Area 51 package on a website by chance and thought omg that's perfect! We're going to the International UFO Conference (which OH has been dreaming about going to for years) in Laughlin Nevada for a week, and we'll get married on the Monday out in the Desert. It's going to be totally crazy and fun!!! I can't believe we're gonna get to go on such an awesome holiday!!! I can't believe we're going to put so much money on our credit cards lol!

OMG What on earth do you wear for a desert wedding??? I need some ideas folks!!

Saturday, 12 December 2009

Crossroads

I feel like I'm at a crossroads at the moment, one direction leads to trying again for a baby after the wedding and the other to forget the whole thing and just get on with the rest of our lives. I feel like I can't move on and plan the future until I've made a decision. My plan was to wrap up the business and go back to university to study nursing. But I've not got a uni place yet and when I visited the uni something didn't "feel right" about being there. Now I feel a bit lost and I I'm not sure what to do?

Planning to get pregnant is a whole new thing for me, it's always been "happy accidents" before. I've never been a "broody" sort of a person and this wanting a baby thing feels a bit odd. We tried for Bella after losing the last one at 12 weeks but that was a sort of crazy rush straight in the deep end thing rather than planning with proper thought, and hey, lesson learned there. I'm feeling a bit like a naughty teenager, planning to do something that's seem like such a bad idea.

If we were to have another baby it would suck as we can't really afford for me not to work and as I'm self employed there is no maternity or sick leave. We don't really have room in the house for another person. I'm probably going to be ill again and there is no guarantee that trying will result in a healthy baby, if fact there's no guarantee I'll get pregnant at all. How are you supposed to plan for that? It sounds all round like a bad idea to try again. But there is a part of me that really want's my OH to be a proper dad, he's a great stepdad to my other two and I know he does want one of his own and we'll always wonder what it would have been like. I want another crack at cloth nappies, slings and breastfeeding, and if not now, when? I'm 31, no spring chicken any more. I suppose if you wait for the "perfect" time to have a baby you'd be long past the ability to have one lol!

If we decide not to try and have a baby, I'd go back to college, get the house fixed up, we'd be able to afford a decent family holiday. No sleepless nights and no extra expenses. No more potential heartbreak and dead babies. No more hospitals or scans or worrying about what could go wrong. It feels like a pretty big decision, the biggest decision, that will change our whole future, where are you supposed to start? How do you plan something that's unplannable? Can you?

Why do I feel like I need to choose? Why am I flippin worrying about it all the time? Why can't I just chill a while and wait and see what happens? Hmmm actually that sounds like a plan!

Friday, 11 December 2009

New NICE Guidlines

Once again there was a discussion about baby loss on Radio 4 this morning, the last few times I switched the radio on thats what the discussion was about. I'm sure they never did before I lost Bella...or maybe they did and I just never noticed. Anyway, apparently NICE have brought out new guidelines saying that mothers "should not be routinely encouraged to see or hold their babies after death". I suppose everyone is different but I would have hated never to have seen or held Bella, I'm glad we had that time with her. I'm glad we took pictures and footprints and wrapped her in the blanket we had bought for her and kept her with us until the next morning. I was not sure before hand, I knew that she had been dead a few days by the time she was born and I was afraid of what she was going to look like. Luckily I was on a few homebirth and student midwife groups and got to ask midwives what to expect.
The full guideline say something totally different to the guidelines in the short version, this is a petition to get it changed to be more clear

Star Chart

I made this for my little girl, she made one yesterday as she wanted to earn some sweeties lol!It's A4 size and if you laminate it you can use dry wipe markers on it. Click on it for the full size version.

Tuesday, 8 December 2009

Grief Bubbles


Poor OH fell into bed at 6am this morning, ice cold and none too happy. Turns out the car broke down in a dodgy area on the way back from his lecture last night at 1am, first Green Flag didn't show up, then his phone ran out of batteries and then he had to hide from a fight going out right by the car. In the end he found a phone box and called Green Flag again who managed to find him at 5.30am. I'm actually glad I didn't wake up and find him not back, I would have been going crazy with worry. I'm going to put a package in the back of the car, with a fleece blanket, chocolate and a bottle of water and maybe one of those emergency phone charger things, just in case it happens again!

I'm just back from the GP, and I took my list, he said he would refer me for the EGC and the pregnancy loss clinic. I'd put a little something on there about being a bit depressed and that I'm taking St Johns Wort, and once he mentioned it I burst into tears and tried to explain through sobbing that I was actually fine and really did not need to have any tablets from him, thank you.

It's strange how one second you can be totally fine and then something sets you off and the grief pops up before you can stop it. But these days at least I find I can settle back down to stable quicker than I once did. I think that it's sort of like having a pool of emotions like fizzy pop and if they get a little shake it all the bubbles rise up and pop the top off the bottle. When you know something is going to give you a good shake it's very difficult to face it. I've still not been to see my hairdresser, I love my hairdresser, he skateboards to work (uber cool!) and came to Faery Fest with us two years in a row. His salon was opposite our old house so we became quite good friends. I know when I go there there will be a happy "hows the baby!" type moment as the last time I saw him I was proudly showing him my 20 week scan.and I will have to explain *sigh* I find doing things quickly without having a chance to worry about the impending bubble shaking seems to help. so I will have to just run in there on the way past make an appointment super quick. I must get around to doing this as my hair is half red, half black and all mess lol!

Friday, 4 December 2009

Enough Whinging Already

That's it! Enough with the doom and gloom!! (well ok it's probably not lol!)

I managed to convince OH that we can get married next year!! It will be a very cheap and cheerful affair with no honeymoon but I never was one for big expensive weddings anyway :D So wedding planning here we come YEY!! I've found a village hall, we can get married in for a very reasonable sum, and it's not as bad as it sounds as it's an old fashioned gothic style thing, perfect! It will of course be pretty off the wall and untraditional and great fun!

I'm thinking for a theme, peacock colours. which I'm rather obsessed with at the moment. So maybe a blue wedding dress, which would look pretty awesome with my red hair.






I spotted this dress designed, worn and made by Yaya Han, who models the stuff she's made on her website


I like the idea of having a bolero jacket but in blue and with one of my own corsets of course. I think this blue silk one is pretty much perfect :) I can make the a skirt and hopefully the bolero myself so this would work out pretty cost effective too



But for a twist I think I'll throw in a little steampunk, maybe something a little like this for my groom


My mum can make the cake and probably do the flowers too. My mum is a singer so we have a PA system and OH can DJ using my laptop with my father in law as compare'. We can have a hog roast and get mum in law to help out with some buffet food and desserts. So all in all I'm pretty sure we can sort it out in time for next year, maybe August or September. I'm so excited *claps hands*

Piercing Babies

I'm sitting here in work (I run a corset shop) and there is this poor baby who must be maybe less than two months old who has been screaming, and I mean hysterically, where she is choking and spluttering, for at least half an hour now probably longer, whilst it's chav mother browses the shops next door. She has one of those buggies where if you shut the car seat hood and pushchair hood it closes it totally off. The poor kid, if this is what she is like in public, what the hell is she like behind closed doors. I'm so so sitting on my hands trying not to go over there and just smack her one and drop the poor kid off to social services. I've walked over to her and turned away and bitten my tongue at least twice now.

It just seems so damn unfair, why should she keep her baby when I know of so many mothers who would have treasured their child and have lost them. This is one of the reasons I'm glad I don't believe in any kind of god, because if I did I would have to accept just how utterly, utterly cruel he is.
Yesterday god damn chavs were piercing their kids ears again in the jewellery shop next door, this little girl only about 18 months old was screaming and fighting them holding her down, whilst they peirced her ears, TWICE, in each ear. Afterwards they just bundled her into her dirty buggy and yelled at her to stop screaming, no words of comfort or a cuddle afterwards. I know it's none of my business what people do to their kids, but I wish they would not do it within my earshot at the very least! I wish my shop was in some lovely quiet pretty town with flower hanging baskets outside and tea making facilities *sigh*

Anyway, I'm fed up with being in the shop with all this crap going on. I really really want a nice hot cup of tea and a big box of chocolates, a big snuggly dressing gown, furry booties and a afternoon watching Twilight movies! I think I'm going to try and get someone to work tommorow as well as Sunday for me so I can take a break from this place.



Wednesday, 2 December 2009

Just Breathe

I don't understand why

someone, I only met

one day out of a million,

could cause this lake of tears?


My imaginary babe with warm skin and laughing eyes,

velvet hair and milky scent

keeps me up all night, torments

her empty basket

her brand new clothes

my tearstained cheeks

my empty arms


How can someone

who never even opened her eyes,

never even took a breath

make me fall in love, so much so

that I will miss her

every day until I die?


Tuesday, 1 December 2009

Stoooooopid Doctors

I've just found out that none of the letters from the hospital to my GP have been sent, well I actually found out last week but I've checked up again today and nothing has gone through, despite me ringing the hospital doctors secretary and getting her to resend them. *sigh* This does explain why I still keep getting pregnancy related things coming through. Why the stoooopid GP even rang me to tell me off for eating the wrong things and getting food poisoning when I was pregnant, even though I'd explained to him the week before, double grrrr! Why are they so utterly unable to sort things out! I told them I'd changed GP's when I was in the hospital and I told the consultant when I saw her just to double check. They assured me that everything would be under control and that they would sort it all out so I wouldn't have to worry about it.... Idiots..
I've made an appointment as I really do want to get stuff checked out as I'm still getting weird symptoms, mild versions or what I had when I was pregnant. One of the letters was meant to be about sending me for a 24 hour ecg and some other referrals for recurrant loss clinics ect. Looks like I will have to go through the whole sorry saga again with a most likely totally unhelpful and uninterested GP *double sigh*. I HATE going to the GP I always get totally flustered and my Dr phobic tendencies really do not help. Should I maybe write a list so I dont forget? Jeez it'll be a mile long, I'll look like a right whinger :S

Putting My Foot Through The Ceiling


Yes, I've achieved a whole new level of stupidity. Whilst attempting to get the Christmas decs down from the attic I managed to step between the rafters and ended up stuck half way back back downstairs. Luckily my fat butt would not fit through the gap (I knew I had it for a reason!) so I escaped relatively unscathed, aside from a ginormous bruise on my arm. I can't quite work out how I managed to hurt my arm when my leg went through but hey, could have been worse. I was just glad none of the kids or OH were right underneath, even though they did get a bit of shock with me flying through the ceiling and all lol!! (I'll post some piccies later of the mess)
In good news, after we spent forever cleaning up piles of plaster and attic dust the Christmas tree is up and looks rather lovely :D

Sunday, 29 November 2009

Lanterns and Love

This weekend one of my best friends invited me and the gang to visit her home town of Calne in Wiltshire. We managed to stay at a nice hotel right in the village with a buy one night get one night free deal, YEH! It was lovely to just get away from everything and I felt really relaxed. We visited the Avebury stone circle on Saturday which was a little windswept, rainy and muddy but was still really interesting. In the evening we went to watch the village lantern parade, but when we got there there were some spare lanterns so we all got to join in. We had these big stars and were right at the front of the parade, we got totally soaked in the rain but it was great fun!
My friends dad is a vicar and we all went to church with them on Sunday, the church was absolutely beautiful, very old and lit with candles and everyone was really friendly. I do appreciate the place of the church in the community but I always find it slightly uncomfortable as a total atheist having to sing along and join in with the prayers. I always feel like a bit of a heathen and worry that someone may ask me a question that I can't reply without being rude or that someone would say something about unmarried mothers, or unchristened children.
Reminds me of this woman, years ago, at work having a big rant about teenage mothers and how they can't raise their children and that they must all be totally thick ect ect. I listened patiently and then told her that actually I had my son at 18 and I didn't think I was doing such a bad job of it, she was totally mortified lol!!

Thursday, 26 November 2009

Writing and Deleting



I've just read a beautifully written and insightful post on a blog here I wanted to write something in the comments, but I wrote it and deleted it about 3 times before giving up. But I did write that I had given up! So many times I've wanted to write in the comments of other peoples blogs , just to show solidarity, just to say that I've read and understood what they have said or that I feel the same and that it's ok. More often than not I fail miserably to express what I really want to say and end up deleting the post, before re writing, deleting, re writing and in the end giving up. Anyone else ever done this? I wish I'd not given up as I some of the comments on my blog have really given me a boost when I've been really down (thank you SO much you lovely people!!!!) and just knowing I'm not alone, it means alot.
I really would like to brush up my skills and I suppose writing a blog is good practice, before this I've only ever written in the context of essays and the odd business thing and I never was any good at writing those things either lol! My spelling is appalling too (I had to just google the spelling then, oh the irony!) I wonder if there are any helpful websites out there? Or maybe an online course? **trots off to search google**



Tuesday, 24 November 2009

Crashing and Burning

Just when I thought I was doing so well. I had a nice relaxing day booked off, the first one is ages as I was going along to my daughters school today. They had set up a really cute pizza restaurant, the kids had designed it all from the start, decided on the menu, made the food and even made a tv advert, very good for 7 year olds really. We all had to wait in the corridor before going in. There was the usual crowd of mums and as usual they all ignored me. One had the tiniest little newborn and another was pregnant and they were having the usual chat about babies and pregnancy and such. I moved away as I started feeling a little tearful and stood on the other end of the room. The pregnant lady was saying how she was 23 weeks, which is how far gone I was when I lost Isabella, and how she'd been buying clothes and bits and pieces bla bla. I almost wanted to run up to her and yell that she shouldn't be doing that and how she shouldn't take it for granted, everything started running through my head on fast forward. Instead I suddenly burst into tears and had to fight my way through the entire class of mums and dads, sobbing all the way and apologising. I must have looked like a right nutter, I'm even less likely to make friends with the yummy mummy lot now.... great...(not that it's such a big loss I suppose lol!)
Luckily one of the mums had just arrived who does speak to me and knew about Bella (she also lost a baby) stood outside and gave me a hug and calmed me down. Luckily I managed to pull myself together and go into school with a big fake smile on my face, but it was a very close call.
I've spent the rest of the day with the now familiar "on the verge of tears" feeling that I thought I'd left behind. *sigh*

Monday, 23 November 2009

Just A Quick Update

We didn't end up going to the Bodies Exhibition after all, as I looked at the website and we realised that it was the exact same one we saw in London. DS decided to stay at a friends house for the weekend so he wasn't going to come and we figured we could do without spending the ticket money. I would have loved to have gone, but hey. So we went into Birmingham anyway and spent some Debenhams vouchers we had for our engagement and did a bit of Christmas shopping. DD was in Wales with her Dad, so we had the whole day to ourselves. It was really lovely having a day with just me and OH and I actually got the warm fuzzies, for the first time in a very long time :D
We also bought some stunning teal silk cushions cheap from TKmax, which seemed like a good idea at the time but before I'd got them back home I realised that 2 boisterous mucky children + posh silk cushions = trouble lol!

Saturday, 21 November 2009

The Bodies Exhibition

We're going to visit the Bodies Exhibition in Birmingham tomorrow. I've seen in before when it was in London and it was fascinating and I actually learnt quite a bit (which I was impressed with as I see myself as a bit of a biology buff)
There is a section as I remember it, about the beginnings of life, it shows fetuses from conception right through to full term. I was having a miscarriage (at 6 weeks) when I last saw this exhibit and still found it really interesting and not upsetting. I wonder how I will feel this time seeing it?

We are going to visit some friends tonight who we haven't seen in a while, OH arranged it and only after told me they have just had a new baby, a little girl. It still bites a little (ok a lot) seeing other peoples new babies and I'm a little nervous of going there. What will I do if I get really upset? I don't want to spoil the evening. I was going to get a present from Mothercare for them this morning but looking through the clothes I was looking through not long ago for Bella got to me a bit. There was a really cute little corduroy dress with applique that I'd liked so much. I'd picked out a few things from there for Bella after we had the 20 week scan. I got as far as the till and then had a "funny feeling" that I shouldn't be buying them and put them all back. I wonder thinking back if somehow I knew something wasn't right? Anyway, I didn't want their baby wearing "Bellas clothes" and now I don't have time to get to any other baby shop so will probably have to go back after work and get at least something so we don't turn up empty handed *grumbles*

Wednesday, 18 November 2009

Hats!

I've been trying to find someone who sells mini tops hats wholesale at a reasonable price for my shop, I've been searching for months and not come across anyone. So I've decided I'm going to have to make some myself, not that I have a clue how to do it but hey :P
I've been browsing for some inspiration and came across the most stunning hat ever!! I love love love it! I adore steampunk style and I would love to have an excuse to wear this sort of thing. It's available from Gypsy Lady Hats on the Etsy website, home of many stunning handmade goodies.




Wednesday, 11 November 2009

DD's Birthday Party Planning

It's DD's 7th Birthday this Sunday. She's decided on a cooking party, which I've changed to a cupcake and cookie decorating party as there are now too many kids coming for hot ovens and baking trays to be safe. We tagged along with my Mum last weekend to the International Cake show in the NEC and saw some incredible stuff, less cake decoration and more like edible art. I've been looking for some inspiration for something a little more suitable for 7 year olds. Firstly I've been browsing Epicute which is a blog about cute food and nothing else! YEY!
These are the best I've found so far...OMG OMG packman and super mario cupcakes *joy*..I'm easily pleased *claps hands* :D

Tuesday, 10 November 2009

On The Happy Pills :D

So I've been feeling not like myself at all lately, I took St Johns Wort many moons ago when I was going through a very very bad time and it had helped then. So whilst grumbling at the extortionate prices in Boots I invested in a pack. It has actually seemed to help, I feel a little less horribly numb.

The engagement party was actually quite nice in the end for all my bitching about it. Littlemissperfect's baby looked very overfed in the way so many bottlefed babies do and spent most of the evening screaming. I hate to be smug about breastfeeding (oh.. ok I don't) but I never had any of my babies scream like that for hours, so meh! All the babies and pregnant people didn't actually bother me half as much as I thought they would. Even the cousin showing off his shiny new Range Rover didn't bother me...I felt sorry for him and his car fuel bills, those things drink lol!
It was also cool because my Mum and Lil brother came all the way from Wales to be there, and even my evil stepfather was quite entertaining and did a nice little speech and a toast for me. Mum made me THE MOST AWESOME CAKE!! It did have the letters of our names on the top but they got broke in the car, bah! Top tier was sponge and the bottom fruit, I did have good intentions of keeping the bottom half for Christmas but I've given in already. Dammit she's so talented, when I grow up I want to be just like my Mum.
This cheered me up...it tasted as good as it looked too nom nom nom :D
From 2009
From 2009



Thursday, 5 November 2009

I Don't Want To Go To My Own Party

My engagement party is this Saturday, arranged by my lovely mother-in-law. It's wonderful and she's gone to lots of effort inviting people and is going to be making all the food and everything. My mum is coming up from Wales and bringing one of her wonderful cakes for us. I should be looking forward to this. However this is going to be the first time alot of the family will have seen me since I lost Bella, so there will be lots of "I'm so sorry" type things which always upsets me. There will be OH's cousins wife, who's baby is due the same time Bella was due and I just know that seeing her is going to be like a stab in the heart, I hate even hearing all her happy preggers Facebook posts.
There is also OH's other cousin who has just had a new baby. She's the girl I love to hate. She's "the most popular girl in school type" she's skinny, attractive, has a great job, perfect "show home" house, perfect husband, is always lucky and is always wonderfully pleasant and nice. I've always been the fat one, the looser, the dropout, the weirdo, with the worst shitty luck in history who always does everything the wrong way and fucks everything royally up. I can't help but hate her and her smug perfect little life where nothing bad ever happens.
I wish I'd never had to get over child abuse, I wish I'd never had to get over teenage pregnancy and a horrific violent birth experience, I wish I'd never had to get over domestic violence, I wish I'd never had to get over loosing everything I owned in a stupid divorce, but most of all I wish I wasn't a dead baby momma, which I can't ever even begin to get over.

Anyway ...I'm not looking forward to the stupid party.


Tuesday, 3 November 2009

Phones and Forgiveness

I've just finished watching the film Paranormal Activity, which Dave has spent the last two days bugging me to watch when I really didn't want to. It was actually pretty good and very creepy but has not made me totally creeped out.
I've invested in a shiny new phone, a HTC tattoo. I've always had an old scruffy phone as I'm forever loosing them or having it with no batteries or not having any credit on it bla bla. This means that no one ever calls me! I've always been pretty good with my ipod though so I figured if I get get a phone with an MP3 player on it I might actually use it and *shock horror* I might actually be contactable. So Dave helped me choose a load of my favourite songs for it and loaded them all onto it. Whilst we were in the middle of this DD kept bugging us about coming to a meeting with her, we were all like "can't you see we are busy honey" and kept shooing her away. She came and stuck badges on us with our names on and with designs stamped on. Here's mine.
From 2009

When I put her to bed I realised that she'd done loads of signs around the house guiding people the way. All made in the shape of a castle.


From 2009
On her bedroom door there was a hanging sign on string with open on one side and closed on the other. A sign saying bajees (badges) and a pencil case filled with badges she'd made stuck to the door too. I feel so guilty not paying any attention to her after she'd gone to all this trouble!! She's so creative and clever and so utterly cute! I'm going to find time tomorrow to play "meetings" with her and we are going to pick up supplies for card making. I totally forgot my Mums birthday and so we are going to make her a really nice card. I'm so wrapped up in myself and my grief lately I've forgotten about all the wonderful people around me, really need to give myself a kick up the backside!

From 2009


Monday, 2 November 2009

Halloween

I have had the most exhausting week in the shop, Halloween is out busiest time of year and with the Rocky Horror show in town loads more people than usual want to look fab in a corset. We also had our yearly Halloween house party (which I'm sure the neighbours just love heheh) I was going to go all out on the decorations this year but being skint and miserable meant than none of my grand plans were realised but I did manage to make some cool pirate themed bottles and dug all the stuff out from last year to put up. I also made a giant cuddly spider, who lived in the shop in a big web, we named him boris and I think he is really quite cute :)
From 2009

From 2009

From 2009

From 2009

From 2009

Thursday, 29 October 2009

Numbness

I feel odd at the moment, I feel very numb emotionally. Everything is irritating me, little things are pissing me off that usually wouldn't bother me. I'm doing a great show of acting normally and functioning well, but I'm somehow struggling with just everything. I'm not excited about nice things that are coming up. We are having the usual huge halloween house party, I'm usually really looking forward to this but it just seems like a whole load of effort this year.

The shop is doing fantastically well at the moment in the run up to halloween, which is great. Although shitty Royal Mail strikes are a real pain in the ass and are really hitting the internet side of things as I can't get stuff posted out in time. I'm expecting lots of emails from angry customers who's stuff arrives some time next week post halloween *sigh* I've made an effort to wear fancy dress into work every day this week in an attempt to be my old happy go lucky self. Wearing furry boot covers, a purple wig and cat ears and looking generally like a total idiot is enough to cheer me up. It didn't really work but at least I got lots of compliments on my corset. For someone who sells corsets for a living I really don't wear them enough!

Monday, 26 October 2009

Postmortem Results

We finally got the results from Isabella's post mortem and all of my tests. They found absolutely nothing, nothing wrong with baby or placenta or anything else. All my blood tests came back totally clear too. The Dr was actually quite nice and actually listened to my concerns about how poorly I felt in the pregnancy and how I'd felt there was something not right. She asked a load of questions and sent me for some more blood tests just in case but she was honest and told me they probably wouldn't find anything. She advised that research shows better outcomes for parents waiting a year before conceiving. I don't know whether to feel pleased that at least they've not found anything that rules out us trying again, or whether to feel even more nervous about it as they've no idea what caused it. I'm going to wait at least the year before we think about it. I wonder if I will feel like it's too risky?

Friday, 16 October 2009

Oh Joy...




So I still have the um...jippy tummy.....the squits.... the runs....whatever. 7 long days of it now, complete with cramps from hell and I have really truly had enough. I sheepishly rang NHS direct who inform me I need to visit my GP. Now the chance of me being any more than 10 feet away from a toilet in order to attend local surgery......well lets just say it's not an option. So even more sheepishly I ring the GP and explain my predicament, she says she will get someone to ring me. So GP rings back and says that in order to check what it is I will need to do a "sample".....um say WHAT! OMG!! EWWWWW!!! Even worse I have to get the mother-in-law to be to collect and return, oh the humiliation. Just to make it extra specially nasty, the bag that said sample bottle has to be sent back in, totally transparent, I mean just good lord NO!!! Well at least the NHS have a sense of humor eh!

So now I'm truly truly disturbed by what happened and am refusing to say another word about it....and I still don't know what is wrong with me as it's going to take till Monday to get the results, meh!

All I can say is that I'd better have lost some weight by the end of all this!

Thursday, 15 October 2009

Wave Of Light

October the 15th is Pregnancy and Infant loss Awareness Day and I thought I'd light a candle not just for Bella but for all the babies lost around the world. Not that I need to light a candle to remember her but it seems like a nice thing to to do anyway. Here's a link with more info

From 2009


This was a lovely idea but it didn't quite go to plan, as said candle was a highly fragranced yankee candle. This triggered a touch of asthma. Now I've been ill (ALL WEEK!!!) with the worst case of the runs I've ever had. Anyway coughing + explosive diarrhoea = potential comedy situation I will never live down. So I decided to lay off the candle thing after a bit *sulks*

Monday, 12 October 2009

Death To The Floral Wallpaper Form Hell!!

We moved into our little house in June this year, which came complete with the previous owners taste in all things floral. The living room is particularly horrific, with pink stripy wallpaper (carefully selected to clash with the burgandy carpet) under the dado rail and nasty floral above, complemented by floral curtains which match nothing else, blergh!!

From Blogger Pictures


From Blogger Pictures
We were going to wait until we had enough money to do the whole room out, replaster, new fire, new carpet, the whole shebang. But with the prospect of actually affording this looking ever further in the future I decided I could stand it not longer and something had to be done. So I popped to good ole B&Q and got some one coat magnolia and a bit of wallpaper. Much grumbling from OH ensued, as working on a Sunday is really not his thing, especially as I'd decided on doing this and had gone and got the stuff before he was even up out of bed :P We worked all day and I'm pretty pleased with it, although everything else looks really shabby now lol!



From Blogger Pictures

Friday, 9 October 2009

Who Ate All The Pies?

...it appears it was me!
I was going through a few of the photos from the Ireland weekend and there was hideous one where I was bending over...and OMG my ass has got fat!!! I also found that all my smart clothes were two sizes too small and I had to go buy a new outfit for the funeral in a size 18. I'm currently 12st 7lbs, which is pretty damn big for someone who is 5"2 I really need to do something about it instead of just moaning about being it! My knees hurt, my back hurts and I look...well ....fat. I don't want to go on some crazy diet just yet but rather get myself back into the old eat less and exercise more routine. I would join a slimming club but I don't think the budget is going to stretch to that. We've not set a date for the wedding but there is no way I want to be a tubby bride. I need motivation but to be honest at the moment I just want to sit around comfort eating and reading crap on the internet. I'm going to cut myself some slack for the rest of this week but next week no excuses, as eating myself into an early grave is not going to help.

I also had a date today for an appointment with the consultant for the results of Isabella's post mortem and to discuss a plan for a future pregnancy if that's what we want. It's so crazy to even think about it now, I was so so sick with the last two pregnancies I'd probably be the same again and not be able to work and we have no money as is, no room in the house and there would be a high likelyhood of it going wrong again. It seems so unfair, if Isabella had lived we would have just got on with things and dealt with it, but now it would be irresponsible to try for another baby. OH is really not keen on seeing me go through everything again either. But despite everything I'd still really love to be pregnant again some day in the future *sigh* Maybe our luck will change and everything will sort itself out, OH found a tenner on the floor today so maybe it's the start :D


Thursday, 8 October 2009

Isabella's Funeral



Isabella's funeral was this morning. The sun was shining and the cemetery was beautiful. Her coffin was beautiful, white and gold with a nameplate with her name and date of birth engraved onto it. We had a humanist ceremony and the words that were said were beautiful. OH read a poem he had written for Isabella when she was born, I'd not read it before the funeral as I got too upset to look at it, so it was lovely to hear it for the first time. It was so so sad but I was so pleased that she got to have a proper burial and a proper ceremony, it felt right.
She is buried in a hospital plot, I felt a bit upset that we couldn't afford a proper grave for her but it was actually quite nice. She will have a headstone with the names of all of the 12 babies buried in the plot. I was told this takes a while, maybe 2 years, it makes me sad to think of all the other babies that will die in the future that will share this place with her.
I made a flower basket with some roses and some lavender from the garden. I made two little tags, one with her name on and another with "forever loved". This was my first bash at flower arranging but I don't think I did too badly (with a little help from Youtube) At the end of the ceremony we let off a pink sky lantern, which nearly crashed into a tree and I had visions of us setting the cemetery on fire or something...but just as I was beginning to imagine the next days headlines it lifted off and away. We lit the other 5 in the evening with the kids and they loved them. My littlest asked if we were sending them to Isabella in heaven, which I thought was so sweet.


Tuesday, 6 October 2009

What To Do With My Life In Limbo???

I feel like I'm in limbo... I'm totally confused as to what to do and where to go next?? I had everything planned out really nicely before we lost Isabella, and now everything has gone thoroughly to shite!

Part 1. The Now. I have until 30th November to work out what to do with my business. I can A. keep it and deal with being poor but happy B. Close the shop and run it online only C. Sell the business..this would be lovely but is tricky to actually do!

Part 2. The Later. Most of the options above involve me *shock horror* getting a real job. As these are pretty thin on the ground at the moment and as being self employed means it's tricky to get a reference. This in all honesty probably involves scrubbing toilets or wiping old people's butts....nice!

Part 3. The Long Term. I really want to train as a midwife. Do I A. be patient, go back to college around working and wait until 2011. B. Do a nursing diploma instead and top it up after to a midwifery afterwards?

Part 4. A Baby! I'd like to try again at some point before I get too ancient, how the hell do I fit this in around everything else.

.........Actually I feel better already having boiled this all down to nice multiple choice questions, wow thank you blog land :D


Monday, 5 October 2009

Secret Garden Meeting September

What has helped you through out this new life the most. Is it your family? your faith? Support groups? A ritual? Music? Physical activity? A new interest? It could be anything. Tell us about how whatever it is has helped you. Please feel free to share photo's,videos, websites, support group information and so on.

My partner Dave has been the most help of all, he's walked this path with me holding my hand all the way through. Poor man has been covered is snot and tears so many more times than I can remember. Having the other kids around has helped in that I can't sit around moping as there is always stuff to do and someone who needs my attention.

Making things and doing practical things for Bella has been helpful too, I ordered a specially made necklace, designing and sewing her burial pouch, designing her funeral flowers. I would have made her so many lovely things and I was glad to at least be able to make her a few things. I made her a web page which I think helped alot too, I love "visiting" her there http://isabella-hodrien.gonetoosoon.org/memorial/

Music has been a huge help, especially when it all gets too much and especially when I am angry and overwhelmed. I'm sure my taste in music is not for everyone but I've always loved metal and it really is therapy now to just freak out and let it all out to these tracks.

(From Lamb Of God - Walk With Me In Hell)

Take hold of my hand
For you are no longer alone
Walk with me in hell

Pray for solace
Pray for resolve
Pray for a savior
Pray for deliverance
Some kind of purpose, a glimpse of a light in this void of existence




(From Korn Hold On)

Hold on, be strong
So right, so wrong
With all of our senses
All of our defences
Hold on, be strong

New arrival, our survival
still not certain
What's a virtue, where do you go to
when you're hurting?




Random Bad Luck Strikes Again

OK, so after a fantastic weekend I should have expected the worst. I was wondering where my course materials were for my open university course were, a I was sure it was meant to start in October. So I decide to give them a quick call just to check where they were. I should have expected the response, " oh you don't appear to be registered for that course"....ok what??? I'd registered for said course since early August, forms had been sent back, all agreements signed and sealed. " oh it seems we left a message on your answer phone and as you didn't respond you haven't been fully registered" Ok I say, but it's not too late to register now yeh? ....yeh? Alas, no it seems that the course is now full and they can only register me for the February start date. Which finishes in October 2010...meaning I wont have it before September. September being the month which I was hoping to start Uni, the Uni which I now can't get into as I'll not have finished the OU course. FFS!!!!!!!!!!!! So now it's going to be a full two years before I can even think about starting the course *sigh*
After thinking about it a while maybe it's no bad thing, maybe it will give me more time to get my head around everything, maybe it's all for the best and all that. The only trouble now is what to do with the shop. It's not making enough money to justify me staying but it's a wonderful wonderful shop that I have put so so much love and hard work into that it is going to be very difficult to leave it behind. But realistically I'm going to have to get rid of it and *shock horror* get a real job again. This real job is probably going to involve scrubbing toilets or wiping old ladies behinds knowing my luck :( My lease is up on the 31st October so I need to have made a decision by then wether to give it up or stay for another 6 months in the hope things will pick up...man this is all too much.

I'm Getting Married :D


We had a lovely weekend in Ireland and OH's lecture went really well. At the end he called me up onstage saying he wanted my opinion on a some new footage that had just come in. He played the video and after a few seconds of footage it changed to a giant "Will You Marry Me" lol! Luckily I said yes!
He'd got the most beautiful ring made for me, specially commissioned and I love it, it even fits!

Thursday, 1 October 2009

Laptop Broken :(

*sigh* just to add to my run of extraordinary bad luck, my laptop's hard drive has just totally died...perfect, just perfect. Oh and I didnt back up all the business data that is on there as I've been kinda preoccupied lately, so that's just great too. We're also totally and utterly broke which just makes life even more fun. The rent on the shop is due today and I can't pay it, eeek!!
I'm off to Ireland tomorrow, with no kids YEY! OH is speaking at a conference over there and his parents decided that it would be nice for me to go too, so they have bought me a flight and even given us some spending money!! Mind you with the kind of luck we've been having lately ..will the plane crash, will we actually find the place we are meant to be going to, will the shop burn down in my absense, will we make back in one piece...we shall see lol!!

Tuesday, 29 September 2009

Gieger Cake!!!


I dont need to say much just OMG!! I want this for my wedding cake lol!!!!

Monday, 28 September 2009

Crying Like A Child

So yesterday I'm totally full of cold and have a chest infection which triggers off my asthma...grrr! Nipped down to the out of hours doctors place at the hospital as the asthma was getting reeealy bad. I was gobsmacked, no waiting they just took me straight in and gave me the nebuliser, total utter bliss, damn oxygen is gooooood!!! Also got a nice doctor who prescribed some penicillin to get rid of the chest infection, saving me having to wait the rest of the week trying to get a gp appointment, why isnt it always like this, I'm having some luck for once!
Went to bed without OH who was happily playing WOW downstairs. I could'nt sleep for snot and coughing, so I start thinking about things. Having a good old wallow in my misery and how unfair it all is. I curl up in a ball and cry and then I can't stop myself, I sob and sob like a child, it's like nothing I've ever experienced before, this pain is just overwhelming. It's like a biological call, an instinct, that slips in when your off guard, telling you you should be with your baby right now, questioning as to why you have empty arms.
I cry for a few hours before OH nips in to see if I'm ok, which by this point I'm most definitely not, I'd pretty much got hysterical. So he holds me tight and manages to calm me down after a while, he starts talking about silly shit, like he does and manages to make me actually laugh, with his awesome impression of bad x factor contestants. I wonder if I'd get through this at all without him. Anyway I thought I'd share some of the moments that managed to cheer me up :D







Sunday, 27 September 2009

Arrogance and Counting Chickens


Do you know what, only a few weeks ago I was worrying about how I would get my home birth as the midwives didnt seem too keen. I worried wether to call a stupid midwife at all. I worried about birth pool water temperature and which birth pool to buy. I worried that labour would be painful, I worried that things wouldn't go the way I wanted it. I worried about how we would afford this baby, where we would put the baby, how I would get time off work. I worried about which cotton nappies and slings to buy and how to deal with going back to sleepless night. Such innocence, how arrogant I was, my total foolish assumption that I would certainly be having a baby and that clearly I was better at this than everyone else...pride before the fall, counting chickens, aim high what's the worst that could happen? indeed ho ho!

I remember only a few weeks before coming across a blog http://lazyseamstress.blogspot.com/ a wonderful blog from someone who I remembered from waaaaay back when my 2nd was born, she made lovely cotton nappies and I put a link from my website to hers. Her full term baby had unexpectedly passed away, I was shocked and actually cried, it was just so sad. But it never crossed my mind for one second, not for a fleeting moment even, that I would not be having my baby either.

Funny how things change. I would'nt care where or how, stick drips and drugs in me please, slice me without anesthetic again, stich me with no pain relief again, induce me, c-section me, leave me without food or water for 36 hours again, be a complete bitch to me, I can take it, I really don't give a fuck anymore, just let my baby be ok.......

*sigh* I suppose this is the bargaining grief stage then?

Wednesday, 23 September 2009

The Secret Garden Meeting August


If you created a bedroom for your baby tell us what it was like.
We didn't have a bedroom as Isabella was going to share with us, for the first year as least. We'd not got a bedroom for her as our house is too small and we used to joke that she would be sleeping in the bottom drawer! I was going to "sidecar" a cot to our bed so we could all sleep together without OH worrying about squishing her in the night. I'd cleared out some of my drawers for her things and had bought too much to fit in them. So bits and pieces ended up in bags and boxes on the bedroom floor. I was going have the Light of the Moon range of bedding from Mamas and Papas. I was so worried with this pregnancy after the miscarriage that I didn't really have that much stuff set up, I'd literally just started shopping and getting excited after the 20 week scan showed everything was ok. I Felt very stupid for having started to count my chickens.

Did you have it ready for them before they were born?
We didn't have it all ready but I'd bought lots of beautiful pink, lilac and yellow Fuzzi Bunz cotton nappies, wipes, changing bags, bits and pieces of clothes and slings. We were waiting on the second hand cot which a friend was giving us.

If so how did you cope coming home to it without your baby?
I really didn't want to go home to it, I was so very angry and felt like it was so unfair, but in the end by the time I got home I was so tired I couldn't even worry about it any more and just crashed straight into my bed and slept.

Did you pack it all away?
Whilst I was in the hospital my mother in law came and took all the baby things away. I asked her not to but was glad to find my room was not full of Isabella's things. There was one drawer of things that she didn't know was there and now and then I've not had the heart to pack away those things just yet.

What is your baby's room now?
Still our same old bedroom but it seems so empty without all her things now.

If you are trying to conceive again, or are pregnant again how do you feel about setting up another room before your baby is born?
I would so love to try again for another baby but we are going to have to wait until we get some answers as to why we keep losing babies (we had two miscarriages before Isabella) If we are lucky enough to get pregnant again I don't think I would have the heart to plan anything until I have a healthy babe in arms.